Home
>
Weight Loss
>
Serious Dieting Tips, Humorous Explanations

Serious Dieting Tips, Humorous Explanations

A few months ago, I set out to lose 22.6 pounds, then to put back on at least half of it.

Huh? Anybody who's ever found herself stuck on a yo-yo diet is probably thinking that I am either crazy or planning way too hard for the inevitable yo-yo heartaches. However, my plan is more sneaky than that.

First, I want to lose this rubber tire I've been carrying around my waist. Have you ever gotten stuck inside a rubber tire? It's not a pretty site.

Then, I want to put back some of that weight in the form of muscle. It's my grand master plan to change my shape from looking like a silly pear to looking like an upside down silly pear.

Will it work?

I think I have the "silly" part figured out. And so far, I have lost14.6 pounds, but I think I really lost a few more, because I have been getting ahead of schedule on adding those muscle pounds.

I would love to tell you what my weight is now, but that's very private information. Why should it be so private? I am not 100% certain, but I believe it is so that people can easily move between Earth and the Moon without being detected by hidden scales. (Why people keep their age private is the subject of my column on aging gracefully at http://www.thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html .)

While there is more to healthy dieting than a few tips, these ten dieting tips should help you laugh away a few pounds (What a great way to lose!). Hint: the tips are serious; the explanations are not.

Tip #1: Never eat before bed. This is just common sense. It is so much more fun to eat IN bed.

Tip #2: Bake, don't fry. This is also common sense. Baking allows you to retain more friendships. When you bake in the sun, you get a nice tan and go for a dip in the pool to cool off with your friends. But when you fry, you get a sunburn and don't dare go in the shower for a week...which scares your friends away.

Tip #3: Drink plenty of water before meals. This will help you eat less during the meal. After all, few people can over-eat consistently while rushing off to the bathroom.

Tip #4: Don't taste-test while you cook. Many cooks taste their dishes several times while cooking to make sure the flavor is just right. Over a lifetime, the typical cook who takes such measures will put on 13.4 pounds. Worse still, tasting your cooking in advance deprives you of entertaining facial scrunches when your family tastes your untested recipes. (Remember that laughter is a great way to burn calories?)

Tip #5: Don't eat what your kids leave behind. Admit it, after your kids leave the table, you gather up the food they leave behind. You just can't bear to throw it away because you know that it's enough to feed a small, famished African country. So you eat a "second supper" out of guilt. How can you be so heartless?! Send the leftover food to that small, famished African country.

Tip #6: Peanut butter and jelly sandwiches are not all that bad for you, if you eat them in moderation. But stay away from those dreaded peanut butter and jellyfish sandwiches.

Tip #7: Blot your pizza to remove 17% of the saturate fats. If you blot it really well, you can remove 100%. Of course, an empty plate might require a spicier sauce...

Tip #8: No snacking in front of the TV. Get up. Right now. No snacking in front of my TV. I don't want crumbs on my living room carpet.

Tip #9: Schedule your exercise. It's true, if you don't schedule it, your exercise will get pushed aside by things you do schedule. I suggest scheduling it during office meetings, dental appointments and reality TV shows. You wouldn't want to miss anything important, would you?

Tip #10: This is a good one. Why, because #10 on any top-ten list is always a good one. Ten is a great number. So tip #10 is to celebrate every ten pounds lost by preparing a triple chocolate double-dip cheesecake supreme ice cream parfait deluxe. Go ahead and drool. You deserve it. And if you think preparing it is fun, just wait until you lose another 50 pounds ... and have permission to actually eat it.

I hope these tips help you. On a serious note, most people will lose a significant amount of weight if they follow these ten tips along with watching their calories according to any popular healthy dieting plan. Well...almost. You might not want to follow tip #6. You will probably lose fewer pounds eating jelly than you would eating jellyfish.

About The Author

David Leonhardt writes about happy thoughts at http://www.thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html , positive thinking at http://www.thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html and tearing down your house at http://www.thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html ... so why not write about dieting?

http://www.thehappyguy.com/aging-gracefully.html

Twin Lakes rental limo .. Lockport Chicago limo O’Hare

In The News:

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Home inventory and restoration apps help itemize and track every item in your home in the event you have to make an insurance claim after a natural disaster.

The White House launched a new cybersecurity safety label, the U.S. Cyber Trust Mark, intended to help consumers make informed decisions on smart device safety.

Today's tech can help make life so much easier — if you know how to use it. Here are a few tips on the quickest and best ways to make your phone, laptop and other devices work for you.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson offers Windows 11 restart fixes: Update drivers, run system scans and check hardware.

Sony and Honda's Afeela 1 EV launches with advanced tech and entertainment for $89,900. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson gives his takeaways.

With limited hard drive space, tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson offers these tips for storing large video files and photos.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says the $236,000 Yangwang U9 electric hypercar boasts 1,287 horsepower and can jump obstacles.

Flip phones are harder to block spam calls from, but it's not impossible. Kurt the "CyberGuy" explains how to stop incoming robocalls on your flip phone.

With so many notifications buzzing our phones these days, it's tough to distinguish between legitimate messages and possible scams. Kurt the CyberGuy helps unravel the mystery.

Scammers have a new trick where they pretend to be job recruiters to plant malicious apps on your devices. It all starts with a deceptive email.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Kurt the CyberGuy breaks down why those emails that warn that "Your Apple ID has been disabled" is most likely a scam. Here's how to protect yourself.

Even small mistakes can negatively impact your credit score; here are some of the most common credit report errors and how you can fix them.

Tech guru Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson explores the many different ways you can repurpose that old iPhone of yours rather than trashing it.

A pioneering artificial intelligence and robotics company from China has developed a repository of over 1 million robotic movements to provide robotic training.

Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals the warning signs and steps to take if you suspect that your personal computer is infected with a virus.

Researchers found in a study that users of a robotic prosthetic hand could successfully grasp and move two objects at once without dropping them.

The James Webb Space Telescope captured photos of one of the earliest supernovas ever seen using infrared technology, and creating a time lapse of the phenomena.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

New Mac malware variant targets browser credentials and personal data, researchers find. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson gives tips to safeguard your Mac from the latest malware threats.

The Jetson One eVTOL showcases air racing potential, ushering in a new aviation era. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says the race for eVTOL supremacy is just beginning.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals that hackers stole data from Gravy Analytics, a major seller of smartphone location data to the U.S.

Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson: If you just bought a new iPhone, here’s what to do first when you fire it up.

AC Future and Pininfarina unveil AI Transformer homes, merging sustainability and innovation. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says this could change the way we think about home.

Serious Dieting Tips, Humorous Explanations

Weight Loss