Home
>
Writing
>
I Am Biodegradable - My Writing Is Not

I Am Biodegradable - My Writing Is Not

My dad was wrong. I just discovered that I am good for nuthin' after all. In fact I've been good for nuthin' all along. I am 100% biodegradable and that means I can be recycled into nuthin'. It also means that no matter how much I waste, no matter how much I consume, no matter how much I pollute, in the end I am environment-friendly. Best of all, I now have an end use.

Now that's something to put on my resume!

This comes as particularly good news to somebody who is not sure what his purpose is. Sometimes I write these humor columns, pretending to be funny. Sometimes people even laugh, and I worry that it might be the start of an ominous trend.

Sometimes I am selling my happiness book, pretending to be a successful author. With 2,000 copies of my book keeping the floor from floating upwards, perhaps I AM successful. Levitating floors are generally not considered signs of success in this part of the country.

Sometimes I am optimizing websites for search engine rankings. "What exactly does that mean?" I am often asked.

"Well...it means that I get my clients' site high up in the searches." Blank stare.

I try again. "It means that I help Google show you my clients' web sites. Blank stare.

"Well...I'm not sure how to explain it. But I get paid to do it." People understand that.

"I turn on a machine that defluctuates the turbo-rotating modulator down at the spare parts plant," someone adds.

"What exactly does that mean?" I ask.

"Beats me. But I get paid to do it." We are soulmates.

Sometimes I write for pay, because people seem to want something written. They hope that if they can't say it themselves, I might be able to find just the right words.

"C'mon, David. You have lots of words. Why don't you lend me some? Why, just last week you promised to 'defenestrate' me, whatever that means." They want me to put their thoughts into words, and occasionally they want me to create their thoughts. I worked for a politician years ago. I vaguely remember how to write somebody else's thoughts before he knew he had them.

"So what do you write?"

"Web site copy, mostly."

"Really? Not another book?"

"No, I still have 2,000 copies of the last book piled up in my office."

"I'm sure they'll sell quickly, David."

"Really? Want one?"

"Uh...gotta go. It's time for my pet goldfish's nap."

I also write this humor column faithfully every week. But people actually PAY me to write website copy. Now, dear reader, answer me this question. Would you rather be reading this hilarious column, loaded with frosting and topped with chocolate syrup, or would you rather read plain vanilla website copy.

OK, go ahead and read the website copy, then. See if I care.

One thing my website copy and this column have in common is that they are not biodegradable. Remember how computers would save the environment as they replace the three gazillion tones of paper we trash every few hours in offices around the world and elsewhere?

Now we discover that all that paper at least was biodegradable, recyclable, reusable. It wasn't all that bad for the environment, after all. But the monitor you are reading this on will last forever. (SFX: evil laughter) Adventure seekers from the planet Zorgoppppt will land here in the year 2304 and discover all these abandoned monitors scattered around.

One Zorgopppptian will say to the other, "prrg, ddyte h hthp oooo djudu" (Translation: "Groovy paper weights!")

But they won't find me, thanks to my lifetime achievement. I'll be long gone, because I am (chest swells with pride) biodegradable.

About The Author

David Leonhardt is biodegradable and happy at: http://www.thehappyguy.com

He is author of Inspiration & Motivation To Go: http://www.thehappyguy.com

The Get Happy Workbook: http://www.thehappyguy.com

and Climb Your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum happiness: http://www.thehappyguy.com

To write your website copy, newsletter or award winning biodegradable cereal box copy, email him at: http://www.thehappyguy.com

cheap limo service Lombard .. Lockport Chicago limo O’Hare

In The News:

Recent reports show many common passwords can be cracked in literally seconds. Kurt the CyberGuy explains how to strengthen your passwords.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Iron, a robot that stands 5 feet, 8 inches tall and weighs 154 pounds, combines advanced artificial intelligence with human-like movement and exceptional vision.

Hertz, the rental car giant, recently confirmed that customer information was exposed through a cyberattack on one of its software vendors.

There are a number of features with AirPods you may or may not know about to take your listening experience to the next level. Kurt the CyberGuy explains.

These 35 Chrome extensions have privacy and security concerns. Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says to delete them now.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says 329,000 mph fusion rocket promises to be fast, disruptive and enable deep-space missions.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says a new autonomous AI is a game changer that also raises privacy risks. Is your data safe?

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says robots and drones are revolutionizing fruit farming with faster picking and smarter handling.

Landmark Admin revises May 2024 cyberattack scope to show twice as many people were affected. Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson gives tips to help stay safe from an insurance data breach.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson talks about how Yamaha’s hydrogen outboard motor could revolutionize boating with zero emissions.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson reveals how to memorialize or remove a deceased loved one’s Facebook account and protect their digital legacy from misuse or scams.

Tech expert Kurt “CyberGuy" Knutsson says an Apple Watch saved psychiatrist Amanda Faulkner by detecting deadly leukemia early.

Scammers and fraudsters are increasingly targeting the most vulnerable, especially nursing homes and the personal data of their residents. Kurt the CyberGuy has safety tips.

Infected USB flash drives can spread malware among multiple organizations in ways that can easily bypass traditional security systems.

With a fully automated warehouse system and AI-powered robots, Ocado's Hive picks, packs and delivers grocery store orders in just a few minutes.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

Recycling robots are using artificial intelligence to learn how to sort recyclables by recognizing patterns in colors, textures, shapes and logos.

The Reachy 2 robot is designed to be friendly and approachable, inviting natural interaction and is perfect for research, education and experimenting with embodied AI.

Kurt "CyberGuy" Knutsson shares several easy ways to keep your credit cards safe from digital thieves while you're traveling this summer.

Arcturus sets up cameras around the edges of baseball stadiums to capture real-time action and generate a 3D digital clone of the game.

Stay up to date on the latest AI technology advancements and learn about the challenges and opportunities AI presents now and for the future.

The CyberGuy explains why healthcare organizations are vulnerable to hackers after there have been a half dozen data breaches this year.

Developed at two California universities, the innovative technology combines brain-computer interfaces with advanced AI to decode neural activity into audible speech.